


To Love And To Lose

by Lil_Lottie



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Bucky Barnes-centric, Bucky's thoughts and feelings on being back, Civil War doesn't happen, M/M, Not Captain America: Civil War (Movie) Compliant, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Steve and Tony are married, Unrequited Love, takes place in 2016
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-10
Updated: 2019-03-10
Packaged: 2019-11-15 02:27:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,813
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18064805
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lil_Lottie/pseuds/Lil_Lottie
Summary: In the two years since Captain America saved him from Hydra and leaked all of SHIELD’s and therefore Hydra’s information onto the internet, Bucky took the time to pour over the documents and learn and about this mystifying new century.Then one day Captain America shows up where he’s hiding in Bucharest, in his flat no less. Bucky panics, or if you ask google; becomes filled with fear, anxiety, trepidation. Surprisingly, the thing that bothers Bucky the most through the chaos of his old childhood best friend suddenly showing up with and with a whole mob of random goons right after, is the small gold band around Steve’s ring finger.





	To Love And To Lose

**Author's Note:**

> I'd like to start out with wishing Bucky Barnes a happy 102nd birthday! I'd also like to apologize for how sad this is.

The 21st century was, for the lack of a better weird, weird. If another word was needed, for whatever reason, Bucky would’ve offered: eerie, mysterious, strange, bizzare, eccentric, etc. He would tell you he’s never had a way with words but a quick Google search—Google being all of those words above wrapped into one—could give him all the words he once never had before.

In the two years since Captain America, his target, his mission, his friend, saved—rescued, freed—him from Hydra and leaked all of SHIELD’s and therefore Hydra’s information onto the internet, Bucky took the time to pour over the documents and learn and about this mystifying new century. 

Then one day Captain America shows up where he’s hiding in Bucharest, in his flat no less. Bucky panics, or if you ask google; becomes filled with fear, anxiety, trepidation. Surprisingly, the thing that bothers Bucky the most through the chaos of his old childhood best friend suddenly showing up with a whole mob of random goons appearing right after, is the small gold band around Steve’s ring finger. Bucky thought something in his heart died in that second between noticing the band and some random flunky throwing a punch towards his face, which he ducked. It was something he thought was taken from him and then given back, only to be violently ripped away again. 

Bucky decided to run. How could he face Steve? Especially when Steve always brought trouble with him. He figured he’d seek out Steve eventually. He thought he could make a grand gesture of love and the two could live out the rest of their days together. Right now the only thing he could face was the fact he got himself stuck—which seems like a great metaphor for how his life has been playing out the past 80 years—arm lodged in some contraption and forced to be hostage to whatever fate awaited him. 

—

_Steve always had a way with words, Bucky noticed. Of course he does. He’s an artist. The pictures he draws needs an elegant description to follow. It gives the boy something to do being sick in bed more days than not: draw and read. He always seemed to be caught up in some new story and his favorite author was Jules Verne. “The way Verne describes the worlds in his book makes me feel like I’m actually there. One day, Buck, I’m gonna leave this bed and have an adventure of my own!” Bucky would never admit his jealousy at Steve’s ability to colorfully describe how he’s feeling. If Steve was sad he would say he’s feeling melancholy, if he was mad he would say enraged. This boy, who’s only other friend besides Bucky was his bed, always had a word to describe how he was feeling and he couldn’t help but make anyone on the receiving end of those words feel charmed._

__

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_The women Bucky would take out were never as zealous with their words as Steve was. The words these girls used to describe Bucky never strayed far from “cute, handsome, strong, etc” which he was okay with, however, the words Steve saved for him took his breath away. Words like “striking, stunning, husky, sympathetic, attentive, considerate” rolled off of Steve’s tongue in a way that seemed so natural. These words were always said so softly, with such conviction; they became Bucky's whole world._

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_Steve became his whole world._

— 

The plane—a Quinjet, as told to him by a man named Sam Wilson aka The Falcon—was large and roomy. Bucky had noticed a large “A” painted on the side before he walked on and sat down on of the many identical seats along the wall. Steve had sat down a couple seats away on his right, and Sam was a couple seats to his left, a comfortable distance. They were on their way to upstate New York. When Steve had found him trapped, conveniently saving his life another time, he let himself get convinced to come back to the States. When Bucky asked how it was even possible for him to land on U.S. soil, him being a wanted terrorist and all, Steve just said he “knew somebody who could pull some strings” and Bucky decided he didn’t want to ask any further questions. 

Steve took the few hour flight—it would have been almost a day but the quinjet goes “really fast” so says Sam—to fill him on some of the more recent happenings in his life. He talked about his new team the Avengers and how all of them signed the Sokovia Accords. It would regulate all of the Avengers actions but most importantly, it would keep the team together. Steve figured that with the good press this garnered the team, it might help the public and the government be more accepting of taking in a war criminal, held and used against his will. 

Bucky appreciated the words Steve used to describe him, war criminal—a victim. He only wished it didn’t have to be this way. The fall from the train should have killed him. “Miracle” was the word Steve used at the fact that Bucky was still alive but Bucky would’ve preferred the word curse. The horrors of the Winter Soldier never left his thoughts, even with his memories scattered. 

As he thought about it, though, he was curious as to how Steve was still around.

“To save the world I had to crash land a plane in the middle of nowhere. I hit some ice and the frozen temperatures kept me from dying. I slept for almost 70 years.” Steve sounded so nonchalant about the whole thing which irked Bucky but it had been so many years—Steve interjected with six years—that the reality of his situation already sunk in and he overcame what happened. Of course he has, he’s moved on. Even gotten married. Bucky thought to himself bitterly. 

Sam had stayed quiet through the whole thing but his eyes rarely strayed away from Bucky, always watching him, just in case. Sam would never admit he was doing that. Bucky couldn’t blame him; he was unpredictable. The Winter Soldier could be triggered at any moment and Sam wasn’t going to let his guard down. The apprehensiveness of the man isn’t what shocked Bucky; it was Steve’s unwavering gentleness that made Bucky uneasy. He didn’t think he deserved to be treated like anything other than a monster. 

When they touched down in a large open field he almost expected there to be one hundred military men standing there to take him away for questioning and eventual imprisonment. There was no one. Steve led him into the giant mansion spanning the grounds. This was the current Avengers Headquarters he said. (It seemed evident with the large “A” on the building but Bucky appreciated the clarification) Once inside, Bucky noticed there were three people right inside standing in the foyer waiting for them. Two man, about equal in height but shorter than Steve and himself, and in between them, a red haired woman who seemed familiar. 

Steve took the initiative to introduce everyone, “Buck, This is Clint Barton, Natasha Romanov, and Tony Stark. Everyone this is James Barnes, the Winter Soldier.” 

Clint, aka Hawkeye, stuck his hand out first for a handshake which Bucky accepted. The man offered him a thin smile, obviously weary, but still offered comradery. It made Bucky feel accepted which, he decided, he could live with. 

Natasha spoke as soon as both men dropped their hands, “I’m surprised Steve was able to convince you to come here. I thought for sure you would want to stay in hiding, Mr. Barnes. We’re going to do everything we can to clear your name. Once you’re no longer a wanted man you will be under no obligation to stay here but you would make a valuable asset to the team.”

“Thank you, Natasha.” Bucky started to remember her. He saw flashes of red, sparks, and debris. She was there that day SHIELD fell, he remembered now. The Black Widow. “Call me Bucky.”

“Nat.” And they shook hands as well. 

It caught Bucky off guard when Tony—Iron Man, he’d learn later—offered his hand out as well. There was no denying the gold band around Tony’s finger, identical to Steve’s, on his outstretched hand; Bucky did his best to pretend he couldn’t feel the cool metal searing into his skin. The man’s brown eyes were guarded but not harsh. Out of all first encounters he imagined with Tony Stark, this was not how he thought it would go. He imagined fists flying, curse words thrown, threats detailing his impending death—all well deserved—not cordiality. Bucky figured Steve must’ve told Tony what he did to Howard and Maria. He wondered when he told him and how it went and why Tony even allowed Steve to go looking for his parents murderer but these were also questions he was glad he didn’t have an answer to. 

—

Bucky only had two clear memories of Howard Stark, neither of which he would ever share with Tony. 

_Music danced through the cold night. The bar was lively with soldiers who were, dancing, singing, and very, very drunk. Alcohol was free flowing in these parts and offered everyone a way to momentarily forget the horrors seen every day in this war. Instead of keeping company with Steve or The Howling Commandos, Bucky found himself sitting next to an intoxicated Howard Stark. The man knocked back shot after shot--Bucky lost track after seven--and at this point in the night the man’s brown eyes were glossed over and a tad hazy. The way he slurred his words revealed to him just how drunk he was and Bucky was almost jealous; since he was rescued from Red Skull’s and Zemo’s laboratory, alcohol had no affect on him._

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_“Can you believe I, me! Struck out again with Ms. Carter.” He tapped his finger to his chest seemingly to drive home the point of me, “She’s out somewhere with Steve. Can you believe it?”_

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_Bucky remained silent and knocked back a shot even though it would have no effect. This was the third time this week Steve and Peggy had wandered off together. He definitely wasn’t jealous. How could he upset or even blame Peggy? That serum totally transformed Steve into a- Bucky wasn’t going to let himself complete the thought._

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_“I asked her, why not me? I’m rich! I’m handsome! She could ask for anything and I’d give it to her!” Howard slammed his fist on the table, “You know what she said to me?” And for the first time that night he actually looked at Bucky, “She said I wasn’t the right partner, whatever that means.”_

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_Bucky couldn’t help but laugh solemnly. That phrase haunted him too._

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_Howard groaned and his eyes seemed to soften. He rubbed his hand over his forehead, “You know the worst part?” His voice got really quiet, “I don’t even want her.” Slowly, he turned his head and looked to his right at the Captain America poster. “Cap Salutes You”_

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_It was so quiet Bucky wasn’t convinced he heard Howard correctly, “I want him.”_

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_That was a feeling Bucky knew all too well._

And 

_The wind howled through the trees. This stretch of road was pitch black, the only light was from the broken headlights of the car that was crashed into a tree. The Winter Soldier’s targets were Howard and Maria Stark. He had one command: crash their car but do not leave them alive. The car crash didn’t kill them but the soldier was prepared for that._

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_He started on the passenger side of the car. Maria Stark was gasping for air, trapped in the car by her seatbelt. The closer he got the better he could hear her panicked voice, “Howard? Howard can you hear me?” She got no response but kept up her pleading. Her voice only stilled once she realized a man was standing next to her._

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_“Please-” at this point her voice was weak, breaths labored, “Please don’t kill me, I have a son.” The loud bang from The Winter Soldier’s gun rang out, only him to hear it. Maria Stark was dead._

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_He walked around to the drivers side of the car and saw a much older Howard Stark start to open his eyes. Blood was running down his face and his breaths were shallow. He didn’t say anything but when he looked up, something flashed in his eyes, recognition perhaps—a ghost from the past—and then the Winter Soldier raised his gun to finish the job._

—

Tony was nice and the word burned in the back of Bucky’s mind; not friendly or welcoming or pleasant but nice. It was more than Bucky deserved because every time he saw Tony, he heard the pleading of his mother and the gunshots he fired. The guilt was agony. They didn’t talk to each other unless they had to but one night, Tony decided he wanted to take a close look at Bucky’s metal arm and make some upgrades. He felt like he owed the genius an apology, an explanation, but when he opened his mouth to try and find the right words Tony immediately stopped him. 

“Save it, Barnes. Cap told me many times you weren’t in control of what happened. ‘It wasn’t him’, he said. I’m definitely not letting you off the hook for what happened but Steve asked me to be understanding and look, I’d do anything for him, but I’m not going to get over it as fast as he wants me too. You can save the apology. I don’t want it.” And Bucky never thought of bringing up the subject again. 

_“I’d do anything for him.”_ Bucky mulled this sentence over and over in his head for the rest of the day. He still didn’t know what Steve and Tony were to each other. Could they really be married or were they just close friends who decided to get matching wedding bands when they got married to their wives. He never saw either one of them with a woman they could be married to, though. Another red headed woman came around often to see Tony; there wasn’t anything romantic between the two, not anymore at least. Clint told him that Tony and Pepper dated for years but they ended their courtship mutually, for reasons Clint didn’t say. Bucky also noticed that Nat and Steve were close, often hanging out or going on missions together. When Bucky asked if there was anything between them Clint laughed in his face and that was enough to answer his question. So that left him with one conclusion: Tony Stark and Steve Rogers are married. 

Bucky didn’t even know Steve was attracted to men. Then again, Bucky never told him he was attracted to men, either. It was taboo in the 40’s. If you were gay you didn’t talk about it. Those who were brave and had partners often were attacked for expressing their love. There wasn’t even a word for same sex attraction back then. Now there was tons, just ask Google. Bucky had always imagined he and Steve would find themselves nice ladies and settle down one day, as all the other men did. Life had a funny way of throwing a wrench into his plans. 

He figured he could just ask Steve about it but he hadn’t and Steve never brought it up. It must’ve been the Avengers best kept secret since it’s been two months and he still didn’t know. 

—

The day Bucky found out the truth was the day he realized he hated Tony’s workshop. The thing about his workshop is that even though it was in the basement of the mansion, all the walls were made of glass. It made no sense. He never went down to Tony’s lab unless it was at Tony’s rare request but he had an arm emergency. Sam said he should come to the training room with himself and Peter, the Spider-Man, for a warm up. Bucky agreed. He liked Sam well enough,sure they got under each other’s skin from time to time but there was no bad blood, and this Peter kid was pleasant enough. He realized he needed someone full of life to be around and this kid had more than enough for the both of them. 

Everything started out innocently enough. Bucky showed the other two how he could punch through almost anything with his metal arm; Peter looked on in awe. This kid didn’t want to be shown up so he started slinging webs around the room, which even Bucky could admit was pretty cool. Sam eventually brought out Redwing and it flew around the room. This is where things got out of control. For some reason the mechanical bird started to fly out of control and Peter used his webs to try and grab it. During this tug of war between Peter and Redwing it somehow managed to clip Bucky’s arm, effectively slicing through his metal arm with its metal wings. 

It didn’t hurt—Bucky can’t feel pain in his arm—it did make it very hard for him to move his fingers though, and that was something that didn’t please Bucky. Peter and Sam apologized profusely but Bucky insisted it wasn’t a big deal.Tony could fix it. So that’s why he went down to the workshop. 

The first thing Bucky saw after he got out of the elevator was Steve. Steve had Tony propped up on his work desk, their chests pressed up against each other. Tony’s legs were wrapped loosely around Steve’s waist and his arms were around his neck, seemingly to pull the two of them closer together, as if there was any space left to close. Both of their eyes were closed as their mouths were connected in a heated kiss, tongues obviously intermingled. Steve had pushed up Tony’s shirt and his hand was roaming the genius’ chest and his other hand was cupping the side of his face. Both were totally oblivious to the intrusion.

Bucky immediately turned away and went back into the elevator to leave. The image was burned into his memory. What he just saw was, for the lack of a better word, shocking. He also felt bad for walking in on such an intimate moment. Now he realized he probably should’ve had FRIDAY alert Tony that he was coming down; it would’ve prevented this whole situation from happening. 

Bucky was crushed or, if you asked google: devastated. He felt like his world was crashing down. He knew, of course he knew about the two of them but now he saw and understood. Bucky never had a chance—always knew that too. It was a very sudden and shocking realization that Steve was actually in love with someone, happy even, and it happened to be their friend’s son. Steve was married to one of the Winter Soldier’s victims son. He suddenly felt like he couldn’t breathe. He let himself slide down the wall of the elevator and ended up sitting on the floor, slumped against the wall He found himself completely lost in his chaotic thoughts. Bucky ran his metal hand through his hair in frustration. It would’ve been nice if Steve had told him about this. Out of all the ways he imagined his friend telling him he was getting married (if not to Bucky himself) this was not of the hypothetical scenarios Bucky thought of. 

A part of him, deep down, wondered if maybe him walking in on them was on purpose. There was no warning that Tony and Steve were currently...indecent. FRIDAY hadn’t stopped the elevator from going down to the basement; there was no curtain drawn to hide what was happening. Maybe Tony somehow knew Bucky was going to come down and he wanted him to see both men totally wrapped up in each other. As they would be forever. Bucky shook his head, realizing that’s probably not what happened, but he still couldn’t shake the thought. 

He figured he would have sat in that elevator for hours if a voice hadn’t drawn him out of his own head. He heard the clearing of a throat and he looked up, it was Sam. The other man’s face was filled with worry and offered him a sympathetic smile. He didn’t ask questions about what happened but he offered his hand out to help pull Bucky up. Once standing, Bucky felt something cold and wet on his cheeks. This is when realized he had been crying. 

—

The next day Steve pulled Bucky aside. He wanted to talk. 

“Look, Buck. I haven’t been completely honest with you,” Bucky almost wanted to laugh at that, “I’m married.” Steve seemed so earnest, but it seemed like he felt guilty for keeping it a secret for so long. 

All Bucky gave him was an, “I know.” And made a slight gesture to Steve’s hand. 

Steve breathed out loudly, almost in a laughing manner, “I guess that does make it obvious. I wanted you to know I’m married to Tony. He’s my husband.” 

For some reason, hearing those words come out of Steve’s mouth, made his heart break all over again. He smiled at Steve as warmly as possible and put his arm on his friend’s shoulder, “I’m really happy for you, Steve.” 

Steve seemed to let go of a breath that he was holding and relaxed, “Thanks, Buck. I really, really love him and loves me. I realized I never had been truly happy until I met him.” 

Bucky didn’t say anything and Steve turned sheepish, bashful, as if he knew Bucky’s feelings. He tried to ignore his friend’s sudden change in demeanor and encouraged him to go into the details to hopefully show there was no hard feelings. 

They had gotten married in 2015 after some robot named Ultron that Tony accidentally created tried to take over the world. It was Steve that finally proposed. 

It was, for the lack of a better word, weird thinking about Steve proposing to someone. But it was tall, handsome, brave, national hero Steve proposing. Not small, scrawny, constantly ill, punk from Brooklyn Steve. Bucky loved both Steve’s, but had a soft spot for the latter, and he supposes he always will. Everything is different now. There’s a man who holds Steve’s heart and it’s not him. Never will be. 

—

If you had asked Bucky he would’ve said he lost Steve twice. The first time was when Steve saved himself and the other soldiers in the 107th who were captured and suddenly everyone recognized the hero that was Captain America. The second was when he found out Steve was married to Tony Stark.

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first time I've written a fanfic for the MCU. Writing Bucky is actually a lot of fun. Thank you so much for reading this.


End file.
